You know that thing your kids does or plays with that drives you completely insane? I happen to believe that my children choose their objects of desire based on how insane it's gonna drive me. Since I'm all organized 'n shit I had to come up with a unit of measure for this - so I present you with the P.I.S. - the Parental Insanity Scale.
The scale goes from 6-10. No need to even have 1-5 on the spectrum, because on any given day at any given time any given child will do something annoying, but we've built up a tolerance against it. It's called being a parent. So I'm talking about the stuff that makes your blood boil - here we go:
Level 6.
I like to call this one "borderline", because the scale could tip either way. It might start out as something you think is funny or creative at first, but in the right situation it can definitely unfold its potential.
Like when you think it's cute that your son bought an Albert Einstein puppet and is training to be a ventriloquist and then you're in the middle of a huge Chapters store in downtown Vancouver and your husband has fallen asleep in one of their comfy armchairs on the ground floor and you're chasing after Albert, who's back-talking in a creepy voice.
Level 7.
I like to compare this level to an "unwanted relative" - could be anyone from the loony in-laws, really. You know you have to deal with it, but it's annoying enough to ruin your day.
Like when your son wakes you up at 6:30 on a Sunday morning and says: "Can you help me do my business plan *right now*? I'm thinking about making organic dog biscuits and selling them at the Farmer's Market and I need you to turn on your computer and search for recipes."
Level 8.
This one is better tolerated by parents who already take blood pressure meds and I like to call it "risk of stroke". You can literally feel the pressure building in your head.
Like when you're trying to get breakfast and school lunches made and everyone out the door and you have to answer questions about Lady Liberty's shoe size and ancient Egypt because "I already read all this to you yesterday, were you not paying attention?"
Level 9.
It's called "over the edge" and it's one of the trickiest ones. It kind of sneaks up on you and at first you don't notice it and then it hits you full force.
Like when your son spends his Christmas money on a digital voice recorder and you think that's not so bad since you hear his voice all day anyway and then he starts recording "notes to self" about which apps to search for in the app store and which comic books to buy next and he plays them over and over and over and over again.
Level 10.
We have only experienced this level once in Auer House and it does have a name. It's called "instant rage". There is no build-up stage to this one. You hear it and you know it has to stop or you're just totally going to lose it.
Like when your son comes home with a kazoo and the sound instantly makes you want to send him to a boarding school and then you have to calm yourself down with a quart of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream.
And now excuse me while I go and interrupt a potential Level 9 - my son just started playing "Hot Cross Buns" on his recorder...