I am not a fan of parenting books. Never have been. I just don't think there is a single solution that fits everyone and I certainly don't want people telling me how to raise my kids.
PJ is now 17 and Marius is 13 and while we definitely have our struggles, I can't complain too much (of course I do anyway - teenagers. Ugh.). How did we get to this point? Mostly with common sense and encouragement and admitting that we're all human and have our flaws.
We like to keep it real around here and that is exactly why I can endorse Dr. Deborah Gilboa's (aka Dr. G) parenting book "Get the Behavior you Want ...Without Being the Parent You Hate" 100% - and I mean it!
Dr. G certainly keeps it real. In 63 chapters, she talks about all the nuances of respect, responsibility, resilience - and how to actually make the changes happen. That's key, right? Because as parents, we're fascinated by all the theories and they sure sound fancy at times, but nobody ever tells you how to make it happen. Dr. G does, and she goes about it in the most supportive and encouraging way. A way that will empower any parent who reads this book, heck, if I didn't have kids I would want some after reading it, because there were just so many moments of "aaahhhh" and "yes, I got this"!
Like I mentioned before, my kids are already teenagers; while Dr. G's book is geared towards kids up to the age of 12, her concepts and challenges can definitely be applied to teenagers as well. It's never too late to make a positive change!
While I don't want to go into too much detail of the book (because I don't want to deprive you of all those "aha-moments" when you read it!), I want to talk a bit about one thing that really
struck a chord with me - probably because that particular topic has been one of our struggles: entitlement and attitude.
Chapter 5 in Dr. G's book is titled: "Spoiler Alert: What You Do Is More Important How You Feel." Yes. Ja. Oui. Si. Da. All the yesses in all the different languages to that!
Yes, I realize that your tummy hurts and that it's probably the end of the world; I'm sure it has nothing to do with you doing a half-ass job on your homework... - BUT you have to change your attitude and give it a try. Think positive. Suck it up, buttercup. Go to school.
Has that ever happened at your house? It most certainly has at mine. Whether it's not wanting to go to school (or with my teens now: to work!) or trouble with a friend, not wanting to do certain chores, expecting things or taking them for granted - how we behave IS more important than how we feel. That doesn't mean we can't show and feel empathy, but it also doesn't mean that we have to be our kids' doormats and excuse unacceptable behaviour.
We don't do our kids any favours by lying for them or fixing things for them. Real life catches up to all of us sooner or later...
Dr. G's advice is to show empathy and make sure our kids know that we love them and that we care - but to also stick to our rules and make sure our kids realize that how they act is more important than how they feel. And yes, I have told my kid to suck it up and sent him to school, only to realize halfway through the day that he actually was sick. It happens. And he survived. Moving on.
So - read Dr. G's book. Feel encouraged and empowered. Parents need as much of that as they can get! I honestly believe that Dr. G's book can change the parenting landscape, and I really hope it will.